


Accident

by JimIsKing



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Body Swap, It's a bit complicated and ridiculous, Sex with themselves but in each other, Todd and Dirk are less hurt than they really were
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 19:18:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8812996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JimIsKing/pseuds/JimIsKing
Summary: Dirk accidentally swaps their souls and then they have to run. (Also, they're less hurt than they are supposed to be. Oh well.)So logically they want to touch each other/themselves.





	

Dirk really hadn't meant for it to happen. Really, he didn't! Well, he hadn't not meant for it to happen either, but he hadn't thought this would happen. He just wanted to get them out of there to get away from the men of the machine. Granted, he wasn't thinking very straight with an arrow in his chest. 

When they collapsed on the floor after he'd pulled a random lever, he didn't know when they were, but he did know something was very wrong. He tried to say so before he found himself passing out. Todd on the other hand, knew exactly what the fuck was wrong, and also knew that he now had a an arrow in his chest, because he was now in Dirk's body. As if he needed this shit! 

"Dirk!" He coughed as he tried to sit up. He groaned and pulled the arrow out of his- no. Dirk's chest.

Dirk stirred a little, but didn't quite wake. Todd dragged himself over to Dirk. To his own body. God, this was weird. "DIRK!" He shouted, but he absolutely regretted it instantly. "Fuck." He said, the word sounding odd in Dirk's dialect. 

Dirk sat up, hand going to his head. "What the hell happened?" He asked, and then he looked at Todd properly. "You again!" He said, but it didn't feel right. He paused a moment. "No. Wait. This is different. I'm... Todd. I'm in Todd. Todd, is that you?" He looked down at himself, which was actually Todd, then back up to Todd, who was actually himself.

"Dirk, you switched our souls! Why the hell did you do that?" Todd asked, wincing as he pressed a hand to the wound in his chest. 

"Well, I didn't mean to." Dirk said, standing up. He swayed just a bit. "Oh, you're short." He said, looking around the room. Todd struggled to get up and nearly shoved Dirk, except it was his body. He couldn't just hurt himself. 

"Fix this, Dirk. Right now." He demanded, but there was a bark outside the door. 

"Lydia?" Dirk said and he immediately went toward open the door. Todd stumbled a little after him. 

"Dirk!" Dirk was busy picking up Lydia the dog. 

"Where's Rapunzel? We should sort these two out while we're here. We just have to find Lydia's body. I'm sure it's here somewhere..." He began to wander around. 

"Don't you think we should sort out ourselves first?" Todd growled, and God, was it odd to hear Dirk's voice saying Todd things. Dirk wasn't at all like him, and it was kind of bothering Todd.

Dirk frowned and set Lydia down. He'd nearly forgotten that Todd didn't want anything to do with him. "Oh. Right. Yes, of course..." He walked toward the machine, looking just like Dirk in posture, but it was still Todd's body. It upset Todd very much and he didn't even really understand why. 

Just then, Farah ran in. "We gotta go." She said, nodding to the door. 

"What? Why?" Dirk asked, and it sounded Todd enough that Farah didn't notice. 

"Because there's a detective looking for that dog and is going to be here any minute. He's mad. Come on!" And then they ran.

It was when they got in the car that Todd began to protest. "We have to go back. I can't live like this!" He said and Farah is too busy driving to notice how odd it was. Or what he might actually be talking about. 

"We'll patch you up when we get to the apartment. We can't do back until we know that detective is gone." Farah said and Todd gave up for the moment. When they got into the apartment, Todd stormed to his bedroom and slamed the door. Farah blinked.

"Dirk?" She called after Todd. 

"Yes?" Dirk asked, stepping closer to her. 

"No, Dirk. Do you know what's wrong with him? I need to clean the wound, at least." She said, but Dirk shrugged. 

"He's just upset because he doesn't want to be friends anymore and now he's stuck in my body." He explained.

Farah thought about asking, but decided against it. "Okay. Well, take this and to talk to him." She handed him a first aid kit. "Don't let him bleed all over." 

Dirk nodded and hurried to the bedroom. He knocked quickly before pushing the door open. "Todd. I know you're upset at me, but I'd like to talk. Please?" He asked gently. Todd looked up at Dirk, frown on his face. 

"Why do you have so many scars?" He asked. He'd taken off his shirt to see how badly he was hurt, but he'd been struck by the scars. Dirk shrugged. 

"Oh, this and that. Shot by an electric crossbow, the usual." He went for joking, as he approached Todd and took an alcohol wipe out of the kit. 

"No. I've had enough of your lies, Dirk. What are these? What happened? What even are you?" Todd asked, and Dirk's hand stopped halfway between himself and Todd.

"They made me like this, Todd. I'm an experiment. That's why they wanted to bring me in. They want to kill me or do more tests or something, I don't know." Dirk answered quietly, finally moving to clean the wound. Todd swallowed, and he felt even more not at home in Dirk's body. "I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry I did this. I'm sorry I've upset you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you anything. I'm sorry that I'm not a good friend. I'm sorry." His hand shook just a little and Todd frowned. He reached to touch Dirk's hand and look in his eyes. 

It was odd, staring into your own face. Especially when it looked upset in ways you usually weren't. "I'm sorry, Dirk. I didn't mean... I just hate secrets. A lot. It's because I've had plenty and fucked up so badly most of my life. I don't want other people making the same mistake." Todd said softly.

Dirk blinked a few times before nodding. "I just didn't know. I didn't understand and I hate not understanding and I wanted to be able to explain it for you, but I couldn't." He sighed. "I just wanted a friend. I've never ever had one before and you're my best friend and you don't even like me." He pulled his hand away from Todd's and hurried to bandage the wound. 

"Dirk... I'm just having trouble having a friend, okay? I never got to keep one, really. Except Amanda. And I've ruined things with her. You're all I have left. I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry." Todd said softly. 

Dirk smiled and hugged Todd close. "Thank you, Todd. You're the best friend ever." He said happily. "You know, it's really odd but also oddly nice to hug yourself." He remarked, and Todd rolled his eyes.

"Now will you stop touching me? It's weird." Todd mumbled and Dirk smirked a little, poking Todd in the side. Todd jumped a little and shoved Dirk. "Stop it. This isn't funny." He demanded. Dirk frowned slightly. 

"Why do you always insist on seeing the absolute negative in everything? You're in my body, I'm in yours. It's odd and exciting and why can't you just let it happen for once? We'll fix this when we know it's safe. But for now, it's not. Alright?" Dirk ran his eyes over his body before he looked Todd in the eye. 

"What do you propose we do, then?" Todd asked with a sigh. 

"Well... I don't know. What's something you've always wanted to do with yourself?" Dirk asked with a small shrug. Todd shook his head. 

"Nothing I'd like to do with you." He said firmly.

Dirk deflated a little. "Oh. Right. Well. I'll just... Go talk to Farah, I think." He nodded to himself and headed toward the door. 

"Dirk, wait. I just... The only thing I can currently think of is a really bad idea. And inappropriate and stupid and... Everything." Todd vaguely explained. Dirk turned back around. 

"It can't be that bad." He said with a scoff. 

"It can, it is, and you should drop it." Todd bit, and Dirk paused, eyeing Todd for a moment. He then lit up a little and pressed Todd against the wall and kissed him a bit roughly. Todd kissed back instinctively before he pushed Dirk off and looked at him wide-eyed. 

"No. No, no, Dirk. No. I'm... No. Just because you got us into this mess doesn't mean you get to... Do whatever that was." He shook his head.

"This?" Dirk gestured to his body. "This was me trying to save us. Which, I'd like to add, is more than you did." He said, looking at Todd with an slightly odd expression. Todd couldn't really tell what it was, even if it was his face. 

"I was busy trying to figure out how to get my life back together after you." Todd shot back. Dirk frowned a tiny bit before hurrying to kiss Todd again, this time a touch less clumsy and more passionate. He didn't want to talk anymore, it was causing far more problems than necessary.

Todd didn't pull away this time, but rather kissed back a little more intently. Dirk ran his hand down Todd's chest and moved to rest it on Todd's hip. Todd broke the kiss and frowned a little. "Dirk, what are you doing?" He asked, but he didn't quite pull away. Dirk took that to be a good sign. 

"I'm distracting you? You weren't making any decisions on what to do in our current... Predicament. So I made the decision for us. This is what you meant, isn't it? When you said what you wanted to do was inappropriate and stupid?" He pressed a little closer to Todd. 

"Dirk. Come on... This isn't going to end well." Todd said, squirming a little in a half-hearted attempt to get away.

"What's so bad about it, Todd? Where is the issue? We're here, it's a bit weird, yes, but I think it's something worth experiencing, don't you?" Dirk said, smiling in that endlessly energetic and positive way that was so very Dirk. 

Todd was fairly sure he was going to regret it, but he nodded, and Dirk went right back to it, pulling Todd into a kiss and pressing their bodies flush against each other. He rocked his hips lightly against Todd's, and Todd moaned, much to his dismay. 

Dirk broke the kiss and sighed in exasperation. "Todd. Tell me this doesn't feel like something we should be doing." He said, frowning. The problem was, Todd couldn't. He opened his mouth to try, but no sound came out. "Exactly. Because this is right, Todd!"

Todd nodded slowly and kissed Dirk again, running his hands down his chest. He was in this now, may as well be all in. In for a penny, in for a pound, or some shit. It was so odd, touching yourself like that, but it was also... Wonderful. He shoved his hand into Dirk's trousers and began to stroke him quickly. 

Dirk gasped into the kiss and Todd plunged into his mouth, absolutely ravishing it. Dirk was a bit overwhelmed by the suddenly eager reciprocation of his previous attempts at starting something. He fumbled a bit to cup Todd through his trousers, palming him the best his could. Todd moaned and broke the kiss in favor of sucking marks into Dirk's neck.

Dirk flushed a little and hurried to undo Todd's pants and pull down his boxers enough to get at his cock. He took it into his hand firmly and began to stroke. Todd bit down perhaps a tad enthusiastically on his shoulder and they both moaned. Dirk rocked his hips lightly into Todd's hand, gripping his shoulder tightly. Dirk then decided it was his turn, and leaned to suck at Todd's neck. 

Eventually they ended up kissing again, and their moans and whimpers were the only thing they really heard. Todd found the right pace and stroked Dirk steadily with it, and not long later Dirk was spilling over his hand with a moan that was perhaps a bit too loud. Dirk took a moment to breathe before he stroked Todd with a renewed determination.

Todd moaned and slipped his clean hand up into Dirk's hair. Dirk gave a slight moan at the tug to his hair, and kissed Todd again. Todd came a few moments later, gripping Dirk's hair and biting his lip to keep from moaning. He rested his forehead against Dirk's for a moment before he decided to sort himself out. He found a ratty shirt and wiped his hand off on it and handed it to Dirk. 

Dirk considered it, but he went for licking off the semen instead. He made a kind of face, but it wasn't terrible. He then wiped it off on the shirt and made himself presentable. He then looked at Todd. He looked more well put together than he was.

Todd came over and fixed Dirk's hair and shirt. "There." He nodded a little. 

"That was good. Wasn't it?" Dirk asked, looking at Todd. "Yeah..." Todd said with an odd tone. Dirk frowned. 

"Did I do it wrong?" He asked quietly. He hadn't had many sexual encounters with people before, but he had had enough that he'd thought he'd known what he was doing. 

"No, Dirk. That's not it." Todd said, shaking his head. "Then what is it?" He asked, trying not to worry too much about losing Todd. His only best friend. 

"It's that this has never worked out for me. Friends with benefits, it doesn't work." Todd sighed. 

"Don't all friends have benefits?" Dirk asked, frowning.

"No, Dirk. I mean friends that have sex." Todd explained. 

"Oh." Dirk said, looking down. He took a breath. 

"So you don't want to be boyfriends and you don't want to be friends and I've just ruined everything?" He asked quietly. Todd blinked. 

"No. I just... I've never really had a boyfriend. Or a long lasting girlfriend..." He admitted. 

"So...you would like to be boyfriends?" Dirk asked, lighting up. 

"I think so? I don't know, Dirk. We need to figure out our bodies, and I'm broke and my house is a mess and I don't have a job. Because of you. But I guess it's not new for me..." Todd sighed and Dirk's smile dimmed. 

"So... You don't." He mumbled. 

"No. I just don't want to lose you." Todd explained. 

"You can't lose me. I'm like, intertwined with you. Our fates are weaved together now, hopefully forever." He smiled softly.

Todd smiled just a little. "I'd like that." He admitted softly. Dirk gave him a gentle hug and kissed his cheek. 

"Lovely! Now let's go see if we can get back in the proper bodies, yes?" He hurried to the door and Todd followed with a roll of his eyes. Farah took one look at them and shook her head. 

"I knew it." She said with a smirk. Todd decided not to ask and Dirk just grinned.


End file.
